REVENGE - How I got rid of the spoiled b'rats'

In my apartment in East of Kailash, I was really having a tough time since it was infested with rats. When I say infested, I mean it because it seemed as if the entire family had come for a vacation and their local relatives had joined in.

While they were having a blast, the condition of my kitchen was deteriorating and every morning, my maid gave me that why-don’t-you-do-anything-about-it look!

One of the rats was using a carton as its 1BHK, as I could hear it biting stuff inside it and there seemed to be no check-out plan for him.

Meanwhile, one of my friends had come to my place as he needed to undergo a minor surgery on his face. One evening, after I returned from office, this friend shared his ordeal, “Aaj hamko choooha kaat liya! $^$%^$%&%^ ki himmat dekho, itna bada insaan bed par so raha hai, aur wo bed par chadhkar kaat lia!! Hadd hai!”

I looked at my friend’s face which had fresh stitches. For a second, I thought it was quite possible that the mouse would have bitten there. I obviously didn't tell him about my weird observation, since it would have only added to his panic.

Days passed by, and I went back to my hometown for Diwali holidays. The day I came back, I almost collapsed after entering my room! The bed sheets had been bitten, bits of papers were scattered in every corner. While I stood there in disbelief, one of the senior rats rushed past me, stopped for a second and looked at me and I almost shouted, “Karaaaara Jawaaab Milegggga!” at it (Manoj Vajpayee style - - Gangs of Wasseypur)

The same day, I went to the market and bought a mouse trap. All these years, I had seen people using rat killers to get rid of rats, but the only issue with that is they die in never-seen-before areas of your house and stink forever. Thus, the mouse-trap was a safer option.

Now, for those who are not aware of its technicalities, there are two doors in a mouse trap. A hook is attached to one of them, from which you need to hang something for the rat to eat, the moment it does, the hook which has a string attached with one of the doors, unhooks and the creepy creature is trapped!

While I was contemplating over the item to hang from the hook, since the rat had bitten my friend some time back, it for sure, was a non-vegetarian. Backing my weird observation, I hung a half Chicken Salaami from the hook and was off to sleep. Before sleeping, I was left wondering whether the ploy would work and what if the rat ate the salami and scurried off unscathed.

“Khatt!” I was drowsy when I heard this sound from my kitchen. While I was too sleepy to notice what it was, only once I woke up and went to the kitchen did I realize that my mission was successful! I had trapped the first rat of my life!

It was also a terrifying scene considering the size of the rat. I decide to take a photo, as I was sure the entire experience would make up for an interesting Blog post. The moment the rat saw me approaching towards it, it started panicking and ran from one door of the mouse-trap to the other. It possibly knew its end was near. I took a couple of photos and was still not convinced with them.

By now, the rat which was panicking a while ago, had begun to enjoy itself. While I tried my best to capture a decent photo, it was quite pleased with the photo session and had started to pose. It was too keen to get the perfect DP, and probably was already calculating the number of likes it would get.

The rat had been trapped. Another challenging task lied ahead of me, which was to dispose it off. I was reminded of my childhood days where often Chacha Chaudary would use his 'Computer sey tez dimaag' and would throw the rat on one of his enemies (Dhamaka Singh, Gabbar Singh). But I could not see myself walking on the road, with a mouse-trap and people staring at me. So I decided to let the rat free, from some height (read fourth floor).

I went to my balcony holding the trap machine with a cloth from one end, at the same time opened the door of the second end, and after some struggle, the rat was seen flying down its way to the ground. ‘Thudd’ – was the sound I heard after a few seconds and didn’t bother to look down.

You guys cannot even imagine how relieved I was! It was a major accomplishment for me and few days later, the same process was repeated to trap a kin of the disposed rat.

I am now a sort of expert and you can happily contact me, if these creepy, crawly spoiled b‘rats’ enter your house for a vacation!

When passion becomes profession, life goes cra-Zee!

During one of my visits to Hyderabad last year, one of my school friends, whom I had not met in years, wanted to desperately meet me. We decided to meet for lunch.

After the customary "Abey kaisa hai, kitnnnee saal baad mil rahe hain yaar, aur bata, ghar par sab kaise hain," he said, "Bro, I wanted to meet you, especially for one reason. What's your job yaar? I mean, you keep writing on cricket and other sports, but what's your daily job?" It took me some time to make him understand, that covering sports, was my job.

I explained to him how cricket fascinated me since childhood and thus I decided to pursue Sports Journalism as a profession. The guy seemed pretty happy to see me doing something I was passionate about and at the same time was obviously very jealous!

I asked him whether he was convinced with his job. The guy probably had been waiting for somebody to ask him that question and he found solace in me. He told me how bad his job was, that it wasn't something he wanted to do in life and since he wasn't happy at work, his life was something jo ki – "bas kat rahi thi."

Ever since I joined Zee, I have realised the importance of doing something you are passionate about. In my previous organisation, I remember watching the historic 2012 Australian Open final between Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal hiding (not literally) in a corner of the newsroom. While I happily took stories which were assigned to me, I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life covering stories/conferences related to political parties.

Almost every morning (read mourning), my sister and I would discuss 'how crap my job is’ over a cup of coffee. While I am not someone to come up with excuses in order to miss office, occasionally, I had to fall sick as my heart refused to leave for job.

I was almost on the verge of resigning, but my life took a cra-Zee turn! One of my friends told me about an opening at Zee, related to a sports job, and I couldn't have asked for anything else.

During my interview, when my Boss asked, "Do you enjoy writing on sports?," I assured her that I won't disappoint her once I was given the opportunity. Having worked at political desks for years, this was the job I desperately wanted. I am proud of the fact that even after completing almost three years at Zee, I am not tired of writing sports articles. I don’t write because I have to, but because I love to!

After completing one and a half years at Zee, when I was given the opportunity to lead my team, passion was the first criteria I looked in any candidate who turned up for the interview. And I am extremely proud of the fact that all the members of the sports team are in love with what they do on a daily basis.

For those who are already doing a job they are passionate about, it is important not to become complacent and to keep learning, striving for excellence.

Times have changed. Now there is not a single day, when the thought of missing office comes to my mind. Even though we have a 9-hour shift, at times, I willingly end up working for 11-12 hours because I don't want to miss a single moment from a live match!

Since I am extremely satisfied with my job, of late, I have started helping people discover their passion and work on it. It is painful for me to see talented colleagues, friends around me who are wasting their lives doing something, somebody else wanted them to do. While some believe it is too late for them to work on their passion, I have managed to convince a few people who have already started working on areas of their interests.

I can count on my fingers, the number of people I know who are happy at work. Give an empty bucket to a software engineer and he would fill it with tears in minutes explaining how painful his job is.

Just to make sure that it isn't too late for everybody else, I have decided to approach schools and colleges with the idea of asking them to encourage kids follow their passion from an early age.

When I discussed about my idea with one of my colleagues, her first reaction was, "It's a great idea, but don't forget, ye India hai." That was a very honest feedback and I am up for the challenge.

I am not saying I will change the world. I am not saying I will discover passion for everybody in my vicinity. All I am saying is, I will continue to help people find their passion, which is my newly- found source of happiness.

I reckon the world would be a much happier place if everybody knew what their passion was and if they could pursue it as a profession.

So to conclude, I have a question - Do you have a passion in your life? If you are already following it as a career or as a hobby, cheers! If not, what's holding you back?

क'साब' की मेहमान नवाज़ी

किसने कहाँ अपना देश वाकई खराब है,
होती यहाँ मेहमान नवाजी बेहिसाब है,
आतंकवादियों का पसंदीदा गढ़ है ये,
सबसे अच्छा उदाहरण अजमल कसाब है।

यहाँ भूखे नंगो का दिखता जमावड़ा,
हर चौराहें पर देखो झुण्ड है खड़ा,
महंगाई पर नहीं पड़ती सरकारी नज़र,
पर आतंकियों की भूख की है बड़ी फिकर।

किसानो को पड़े भूख से जान गवानी,
और दहशतगर्द उड़ायें मटन, बिरयानी,
चार साल बाद अगर ऐसा हिसाब होगा,
तो हर आतंकवादी का रोल मॉडल कसाब होगा।

आतंकी इसीलिए कितनो को मार डालते हैं,
क्यूँकी प्लेन हाईजैक होने तक उनको पालते हैं,
'आतंकवाद से लड़ेंगे'- सरकार 'सिर्फ' रटती है,
कठोर कार्यवाही करने से हमेशा पीछे हटती है।

शहीदों के परिवारों को इन्साफ ना मिला,
आतंकवाद कब मिटेगा...जवाब ना मिला,
इन सवालों को लेकर जनता में भी आक्रोश है,
और अपनी सरकार, प्रधानमन्त्री दोनों खामोश है।

किसने कहाँ अपना देश वाकई खराब है
होती यहाँ मेहमान नवाजी बेहिसाब है...

If Bollywood superstars participated in the Olympics…

Indian athletes altogether got six medals at the London Olympics, adding three more medals to our tally than the Beijing Olympics. So I made a calculation. If they keep adding 3 medals every four years, then at this rate, we will win 50 medals at the 2072 Olympics. So I analysed that if given a chance, a few Bollywood celebrities can certainly boost India’s odds at the biggest sporting event in the future. Here is a list of those who can actually make a difference:

Sunny Leone...err Deol: Eight Indian pugilists made it to the London Olympics but none of them returned with a medal apart from a mother of two, Mary Kom. But I am sure, with his 'dhai kilo ka haath' Sunny paaji could knock out many opponents in the first bout itself and even the referee wouldn’t dare to stop him. He will have the advantage of threatening his opponents with his fierce look. Those who have seen the movie ‘Gadar’ will think twice before staging a contest against him.

Sunny Deol can also impress the judges with his deafening roar every now and then. With his superman skills, just like ‘tareekh pey tareekh, he could get ‘medal pey medal’ for his Hindustan.

Akshay Kumar: It was disheartening to see no Indian participation in the Judo event at the Olympics. So if given a chance with the kind of fighter he is and with a black belt in martial-arts, I am sure Akshay Kumar can ensure a medal in Judo.

We all know that he is extremely busy with his Bollywood flicks for which he has reportedly hiked his fee to Rs 40 crore, but the ‘Khiladiyon ka Khiladi’ shouldn’t mind showing his skills at the biggest sporting event.

Aamir Khan: The Indian sportspersons/athletes have the tendency of performing well during practice sessions (Rohit Sharma is trending) but when it comes to giving their best at the right time, they falter. Thus we need someone like Aamir Khan who can teach them the art of ‘perfection’.

He won’t be able to put in his ‘Lagaan’ skills as cricket is no more a part of Olympics, but under his guidance, the hard-working athletes might do wonders with a ‘perfect’ technique.

And yes, his job will entirely be to train the athletes to do their best and we will not force him to be present at the ‘award ceremonies’.

SRK: When you talk about Bollywood’s connection with sport, it is impossible not to mention the very sporty King Khan.

I reckon Shah Rukh must have impressed all of you with his ''70 minute waali speech'' in ‘Chak de India’ and hence IOA can appoint him as the motivational speaker. He has done that both in real and reel life (with KKR which didn’t work out). However, he has enough experience under his belt to motive an Indian contingent.

And with the sense of humour that he has, his presence would be a good stress-buster for the athletes as well.

Salman Khan: Well the Indian wrestlers did make the country proud with a bronze and a silver medal at the London Olympics, but if given a chance, it is something which Sallu bhai can do with pride as well.

He is in good shape like most of the Indian wrestlers and Salman Khan can be an apt choice to flex his muscles for a medal.

But before he leaves for the Olympics, we should get a commitment from him for a medal, because “Ek baar jo usne commitment kar di toh…”

Rajinikanth: There is nothing in this world which Rajini-Kan’t. While it is impossible to categorise him into a particular sport, undoubtedly he is someone who can easily participate in multiple events. And being modest enough, I am sure he would amend the rules for himself to make sure the other athletes don’t complain of his superhuman skills giving him an advantage.

For example, he could combine the 100m race with javelin throw and pole-vault (high-jump for Rajini) in a single attempt for himself. So he would first defeat this ‘Bolt’ guy by some 4-5 seconds and in the same stride would pick and throw a javelin and even before it could land, he would have clinched a gold in the pole vault event, without a pole ‘mind it’!

Just imagine, it would be a treat to watch our superhero juggle with the gold medals (don’t demean him by expecting bronze, silver) at the end of Olympics.

Bappi Lahiri: Last but not the least I want Bappi Da in my list. And you may ask why him? Well he is someone whose mere presence is sure to motivate the Indian athletes at all times. Apart from working on a few motivational tunes, he would inspire the athletes to bag more ‘gold’.

And in case the athletes and celebrities once again fail to bring gold, on their flight back to India, he would ensure that we carry more gold than Michael Phelps has in his kitty from all the Olympics!

This article was first published here:

http://zeenews.india.com/sports/blogs/30/blog219.html

(Click on the image to view in larger size)

SUN-SATIONAL DELHI SUMMER

My consumption of soft drinks increased to a great extent as soon as the temperatures crossed 40 degree mark in the capital. I know, for all those who know even a little about me would ask what’s so new about me consuming soft drinks? In that case I have news (read update) to share. There are two unattended bottles of Thumbs Up in my refrigerator since long and I haven’t paid heed to them. Oh yes, my sister often takes a sip or two from them and the way she is going, I am sure I would take her a decade to finish both of them. I have switched on to a new drink-Rooh Afza! Forget the taste, the name of the drink itself gives so much of relaxation to the mind. Just close your eyes for a second and whisper, “R-o-o-H A-f-z-a-H” I am not too sure but it might have given you momentary relief.

And in spite of knowing that they are toilet cleaners (though I have never wasted the drink for such purposes), I am sure all of you have increased your consumption of your favourite drinks (decide your own). Such is the effect of Delhi Summer.

We recently did a story where the dogs in Bhopal have been biting the passers-by as a result of the soaring temperature. Poor beings I reckon. They can’t carry water bottles in their bags, nor can they wear fancy shades making life miserable for them.

But I wonder if biting is a solution? But wait a second…why not? What do we do when we are helpless and absolutely frustrated just because of the heat? Close our fists? Take deep breaths? Grind our teeth? We do everything possible except biting the passers-by (just imagine yourself doing that in a busy market). Be rest assured to be shooed with bullets and not stones if you do that!

The temperature crossed the 41 degree mark on the last day of April. I was having lunch with some of my friends in a canteen. The fans (read blowers) were just too much to bear and even the food we were having was no different. No one complained of less salt in the food as I am sure everybody sweating litres would have compensated for the deficit. Nobody uttered a word and just somehow gulped the food. That’s what happens during Delhi Summer.

May 04, 2011. As usual I was on my way to office travelling in the DTC bus, that low floor green bus. I was all wet because of the heat and so were others. Finding a seat in a bus was like asking for too much. Using my long hands, I reached the conductor and asked for a ticket. This is a strange feeling when you want (read curse) the conductor to hand over the ticket ASAP. But he would take his own sweet time, tear limited tickets unlimited number of times before handing it over to you. Even before I could receive my ticket, there were people from all corners of the bus forwarding their ‘chillars’ with a ten-rupee-note pleading for tickets.

It’s a very hilarious observing people in a jam-packed DTC bus in a Delhi Summer. Conflicts are bound to occur every now and then. The temperature both inside and outside is unbearable. While the conductor is the one who faces the brunt of the heat most of the times, it is quite frequent that the passengers quarrel and abuse each other. And just to remind you, these are situations which are tolerable under normal circumstances but the Delhi summer brings the devil out of you. I am sure if human beings are legalized for biting each other, most of the cases would be witnessed in the capital as a result of the Delhi summer.

I am sure like me when all of you are out in the heat you wonder if it’s the hottest day in the capital. The rain Gods haven’t shown any mercy to the Delhiites who have been pleading for rain. And mind you, June hasn’t started yet. So keeping sipping your favourite drinks and avoid biting people…kyunki picture abhi baaki hai merey dost!

THE ART OF BEING POONAM PANDEY!

India had just won the World Cup. As the fans jumped and hugged and screamed out of joy I heard someone yell, ‘Yeyyy!! (Pause) (Pause) (Pause) Poonam Pandey kahan hai bey!!’ I just probed if the guy was insane and once I was assured that he was not, I forgot his weird statement and rejoined the celebrations.

People congratulated each other as I saw a bunch of guys having a private discussion. Later on I was told that the topic of their discussion was Poonam Pandey to which I did not respond either as I was too lost thinking about the World Cup triumph.

I logged on to my Facebook account expecting some great patriotic World Cup updates and the first status I got stuck at read, ‘POONAM PANDEY!!!’ Now this was too much. I had to search it out. I did. I googled her image and the screen popped up several pictures of a woman (who looked like a lizard). It was then I came to know about her ‘commitment’ and what she called as ‘an inspirational initiative’ for the Men in Blue to bring the trophy home! This wannabe came up with a statement that ran riots on the social networking sites!

I later read an article where a renowned motivational speaker reacted to her statement. He said that after such a deal, some of the Indian players won’t mind losing the World Cup!

I am sure her next target would be to enter Big Boss season being the most crap contestant and continue with her usual crap. Or just wait for a second. In other ways she needs to be ‘firm’ on her promise for some more time and the reality channels would themselves approach her with the most lucrative deals.

And for all those who are anxious to know about her latest update, she has been hospitalized and will undergo an operation to remove kidney stones. When asked about her unfulfilled daring commitment, the new drama queen reiterated her statement to ‘stay tuned!’

The article is titled as the ‘the art of being Poonam Pandey’ as now it hardly matters if she is up to her commitment or not, as Poonam Pandey is a name which has suddenly grabbed all the eye balls. From an unknown Kingfisher model to the most searched person on the internet she has suddenly risen to instant popularity. She exactly knew how to plot a perfect career ahead. She has been the most Googled, Facebooked, Tweeted person on the net (she still could be), and the only person for whom she could be a real threat is Rakhi Sawant!